The Worst Thing That Can Happen

Will I was thinking a lot about what should I write, actually this is what I am very good at, not writing, but thinking. I think about everything, big, small, short, tall, I worry too much, needed or not needed.

I think about what people will think about me.

I think about why I think about what people think about me.

I think about using the word think way too much, I thin it some how ridiculous, but I can’t help but using it.

Many years ago, I was not the person I am today, I was worse, in all possible means. No personality, no self esteem, no anything, the change wasn’t that tremendous though, but I am feeling that I am now much better. I am doing and feeling better about myself, still have lots of doubts and lots of things to worry about, but it is not like I used to be.

Having this mindset that worries a lot is not easy to be change, yet not impossible. Although this has been went over again and again and again, but I am not quite interested about stating the possibility rather stating the process or how it occurs, and no not aiming to inspire any one,  seriously this is the last thing I care about, it’s me who needs the inspiration.

What I really want to is just to express myself freely, what a great action anyone can do, what a great thing when you stop caring. It’s quite soothing and all, I mean what you feel inside when you stop caring.

Seriously, what is the worst thing that can happen.

 

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ما اخشاه

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الساعه الحاديه عشر ،
تستيقظ من نوم عميق لتتجه إلى هاتفها الملقى بجوارها و تنظر لتتصفحه.

ليس هناك ما تتوقعه بالتحديد و لكن ما هو إلا فعل يُنفذ بحكم العاده.

_الجو حر اوى ايه ده

_هو ايه القرف ده مفيش اى جديد !!

ثم تقرر النهوض بعد تصفح دام لقرابه الثلث ساعه.

الساعه الخامسه و النصف.
تجلس هي شبه عاريه بعد ما يقرب من المحاوله السادسه لاختيار الزي المناسب للنزول.
تكلل كل المحاولات بالفشل، لا لسبب محدد !, لم تكن يوما لسبب محدد.

_اففف، ماما، يا ماااااااماااا
_ايه ،بتزعقي ليه.
_مفيش عندي لبس، أنا زهقت
_مفيش عندك لبس ازاي!!!, ده انا دولابي كله الجواكت بتاعتك إلى من كترها مش لاقيلها مكان في دولابك
_ماما احنا في الصيف جواكت ايه دلوقتي
_هي فارقه اوى كده، ما انتي طالعه نازله نازله طالعه جايبه لبس.
و بتجيبي الصيفي في الشتا و تقولي سيل و الشتوي في الصيف و تقولي هشيلهم للشتاء.
_اعمل ايه انا دلوقت!, أنا مش لاقيه حاجه انزل بيها
_يا شيخه حرام عليكي، مش كفايه فلوس دروس اخواتك ألفسنويه عامه دول !!!

الثامنه و النصف داخل إحدى محلات القاهره، تقف الفتاه امام المرآه تتفحص بإعجاب تلك البلوزه الزرقاء ذات الأكتاف الساقطه و الأكمام الطويله ، و تلك الكرمشه التي تطوق الصدر لتنتهي أوسع مما بدأت، و تلك الزهور المفرغه على حافتها التي تظهر بطنها لقصر طول البلوزه

_امي مش هتسيبني البسها كدا، هتقولي ألبسي بدي تحتيها
_ايه الفصلان ده، شكلها هيبوظ اصلا
_ما أنا عارفه
_ طب هاتيها و ابقى تعالى البسيها و انزلي من عندي
_ما أنا هعمل كده بس تستاهل 350 و إلا احط عليهم 100و اجيب الفستان الشفناه في Zara ?
_لا دي حلوه مش تسبيها، و كمان يومين و روحي هاتي الفستان
_امي طالعالي في المقدر اليومين دول معيش فلوس، معيش فلوس
_هو انتي لازم تطلبيها !
_لا يا اختي مبقتش اعرف اآلبها، بقت بتعد و بتخبي و بتكتب صرفت اد ايه و معاها اد ايه، اسكتي دي بقت أنتن من أبويا
_طيب انجزي عشان كلمت أحمد و قرب يوصل
_ما يتنيل يدخل
_ما انتي عارفه ان مفيش ركنه و لو فيه، مبيسبش عربيته  إلى بيحبها اكتر من صاحبته دي
_متجبيش كتير في سيرتها عشان مبتنزليش من زور!

الساعه الواحده بعد منتصف الليل،
صوت السكون هو السائد مع تلك النسمات الحاره اللطيفه المحمله بعبق الزهور المزروعه على الأشجار المحيطه.
إذا تأملت القمر، فستجده مكتمل دون ربع و حوله هاله تمتد في السماء المعتمه.

_أنا ليه كل يوم بليل بأنب نفسي عل إلى بعمله الصبح، و انام و أقوم اعمله تاني
أنا ليه مش تافه و فاضيه من جوه زي مريم! على الأقل هي بتعمل معايا كل البنعمله ده و هي راضيه!
أنا ليه بفهم و ليه بفكر !!
أنا ليه مش مريم !

_ايه ده ! الصوت ده جاي منين

تتجه إلى مصدر الصوت لتجد نفسها خارج أسوار المنزل و بحديقه المنزل المجاور. كلما تقترب يذداد صوت الانين.
ثم و فاجأه

_اااااااااااااااااااااه

تنزلق قدماها بحفره مغطاه بالاخضر، فتنحدر هبوطا لتجد نفسها ملقاه على الأرض.

_أنا مش شايفه حاجه. أنا فين!!!! .. يا ماماااااااا، الحقوني
أنا فين … أنا فين
_فالمكان و الزمان المناسب
_هه، انت مين، “و الخوف يعتصرها”
_مقدمتش نفسي، أنا ساكن الأرض
_أنا فين … انت عايز مني ايه
_انتي العيزاني
_أنا مش عايزها حد أنا عايزها امشي، يا ماماااا
_محدش هيسمعك فا متتعبيش نفسك
_يا ماماااااا الحقيني يا ماما
_كلكم كده، بتصوتوا تصوتوا و تتعبوا نفسكم و بعد كده بتقطنعوا ان فعلا مفيش حد سامعكم. أنا طيب اوى انى بستحمل غبأكم.
_انت مين … أنا مش شايفه حاجه عايزه أمشي
_مش شيفاني ده لمصلحتك، مش شايفه حاجه دي قوانين الضوء، شويه و نظرك هياخد على الظلمه و تبتدئ تشوفي، بس موعدكيش انك هتشوفي كتير.
_عايز مني ايه
_مش قلتلك انتي العيزاني ….

يتبع

The Maze

 

They call it the ups and downs of life, I call it the soul drowning shits of life. One day you seem too sure about it, the other you just, …. you have no clue and you begin to question and doubt everything!. Do i really want what i want, or it’s just because i can’t have it.

Will i feel better after having it!. What if i didn’t!.

Am i really sad or it’s just some shortage in some chemicals in my brain and it could go away by doing anything.

Why i don’t change although i really want to!. Why i feel stuck and having no control over anything. Why i am alone with all those people. Will i die on that shitty place, is it really a bad place as i think or it’s just me!.

Why and why and why, lot’s of unanswered questions. And after calming down, you say to yourself, Hay, slow down, you know nothing just change by itself or in a one or even a couple of days. Start small, start small bro … just be consistent and optimistic.

Then you feel like, right, it must be the door i was looking for, i will open it and then everything will be okay, but you find out that NO, nothing changed, or you couldn’t change anything, call me weak i don’t care but i couldn’t do it, i couldn’t be damn consistent.

So, seek help, don’t put all the weights on your shoulders. Dude, i can’t afford seeking help, nor emotionally rather financially.

… Silence …

So this is it!

There is no way out.

Logical evidences answers “Yes … there’s no way out”.

I rested my back on the bed …

Closed my eyes, and began to imagine

A life i wish for .. a life i can’t have ..

After a while, i said “Okay … and then what?”, you have been here before, you are moving in a circle, and it is really exhausting!. I don’t have to be this really super cool person, who is living a really amazing and implacable life. You know a rule which is (start small and be consistent) you also know, you have been a failure on it. Why don’t you take time to analyze why, and be honest,  instead of living in your head.

So i sat straight, and the answer was ” It’s me, it have always been me “, I am expecting too much from myself ignoring the fact that i am a human and i have limited abilities, and also i was doing a very very simple yet destructive act. Blaming your self for not reaching your potentials, justifying it as being weak, as someone else already did it, but you couldn’t, and suddenly forgot all the pain you endured and all the difficulties you have been through and maybe those people you look up to wouldn’t be able to handle a 1 gram of what you have been carrying!.

And even if they could, why comparison from the first place. You are a holistic being, means you have a whole good side and a whole bad side, and what happens is, when you feel bad, and it takes sometime, you start to think of all the bad things in you as if .. this is you as a whole … and it seems real as hell, because all the files of the past, present and even the future come together to prove just one thought ..

I AM A SHIT

You want evidence, leave a space because I will puke all over the place now.

 

A friend of mine had a plant which she used to water everyday, she forgot doing so for a couple of days so the flower bend down and turned from violet to black. She watered it with plenty of water after, and we were surprised that it came back erect and colorful again!!. I remember i was wowed and what came to my mind is that it came back from death!. I compare this to that feeling, feeling dead, it can be watered, with tolerance. Tolerance with yourself. Yes it won’t solve all the problems and it sometimes is the reason why some people are stagnant, they are sickly satisfied with the current sate, no matter how bad it is.

But i am saying it just the first step in the journey, because i you forgive yourself, you will use your energy on thinking of ways to be better instead of wasting it on grieving.

Give it a thought and dig a way out of the maze.

 

Fantasy

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Fantasy. The word itself is magical. I can’t define what comes to my mind when I hear it. Definitely not a one or two things. An emotion as well, quite complex one.

Hello myself I am speaking to you, so pretend to be a physical existence listening attentively and pretend to be interested in what I have to say.

I will.

Great, so I was talking about fantasy, what do you think it is?.

Umm, well, practically, this is your story and I am supposed to be a fictional character that you made it up, you give me the lines, I don’t improvise honey.

No, I made you to be a one of a kind character, although you are fictional, but you speak your own words.

It isn’t going to work.

Find a way.

I will draw the words from your own soul, I will get to your deepest darkest silent volcanos, and when I hit it, it will erupt like no volcano did before. Can you handle its lava?

I will.

I see fantasy as a disease, an aggressive silent killer. You go there and you love how it feels so you get stuck. Some live there thinking they are living with us, some knows they are there and not with us, some go there to fill their cups and come back to our world. But the truth is, no one comes out of it, you all live there permanently, thinking you come and go.

I don’t agree, and that confidence you’re speaking with is an indication of nothing.

You will not believe me, after all, I am a part of you, you think, or should I say, love to think that you have it all under control, me is you and you is me. But one thing you should know ….. I am you and not you …… I am the greater being of you. We are one but I can access different worlds.

Seriously!, now that’s fantasy, hats off you explained it very well.

Poor you, look, I am sure you know what Einstein said about inability to distinguish the uniform motion from rest.

Of course, that’s when I am in an elevator and I can’t tell if it’s going up or down unless I look at the screen or something.

Exactly, because you are a part of it.

What do you want to say?

You can’t feel with differences when you unify with the event, you live in it and go with it, you don’t have the privilege that I have of stepping away from existence. Which is like seeing through the elevators door, so I am unified with it yet I can feel its motion. That’s why you will never believe me, you can’t see through.

Now you are playing with science, wasn’t it you who said that you don’t improvise and I am the narrator, what changed now sir independent soul who goes to other worlds??

Yes you are, and that’s your words not mine, so how come you are not believing yourself!.

Aspiring for illusion

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They call me Sweets Queen, yes you can see how sweet I am but that’s not the reason they call me with that name. I am a master cook, to be specific a master in cooking sweets and desserts, like anything you wish for. Yes I have thought about going big and do it as a business, but i didn’t decide yet, still thinking about it. Oh sure have a bite.

Gold diggers everywhere, I started from scratch I am telling you, I build this empire by working hard. If I am going to count the numbers of rejections I got in my life, we will write a book of 600 pages, at least.Well I left her once I knew she is into my money. It’s experience dude, with time you will know who loves you and who loves what you have. Let’s take a ride with my Lamborghini.

I see beauty in everything, that’s where my aspirations comes from, you see all those paintings they are not just colors on a board, it’s a representation for souls, for pain, for love, hate and desires. You have to peel all of your layers to see what i see. Look at them after , and only then you will see their abstract meaning, you will see the painting soul!.

Responsibility, my father died two months earlier and I want my two youngest sisters to feel nothing but love and security. I wanted to drop from college before but now I am living for a bigger reason. I can’t fail them .. not right now.

I started with this small atelier.Oh my god it brings lots of lovely memories. It’s almost since i was 10 and I am dreaming of being a fashion designer. Running a company isn’t easy but bringing designs to the light never failed to motivate me.  Diane Von Furstenberg of course, my designs are very affected by her wrap dresses lines. Yes, I always add the royal touch on every design, I believe if it isn’t classy, it’s not worth wearing.

The winter, candy, teddy bears, and yes i love chocolates as well. I am so lucky to have my dad in my life, he is my hero I run for him in all big and trivial matters. Yes girls on my school feel jealous, i can see it sometimes because he is not only an awesome dad, he is very handsome as well. I told him once I will never marry a man unless he exactly looks like you.

Six totally different people shares nothing in common yet one thing still can be identified as a point of commonality.

They have a CHOICE…..

I didn’t say their life’s are perfect, a failure or anything, but they get to decide!. Even if it’s going to be a wrong decision. But what about humans who since birth have no power to decide, they do what they were born forced to do because the simplest human right for a breathing being to grow up in a home with dignity  doesn’t exist. They live in fear, and when you live in fear do you have time to live!.

I am imagining myself laying down on the street right now, I am 8, have no home, no bed, no food no anything, I am just laying down in the cold and in the heat, actually in the four seasons. I hang around, I sell some stuff, and I call some random people with the socially invented titles that represents your class and shows my inferiority and your superiority over me. It’s not working, I am starting to beg you, I am explaining my social circumstances we live on the streets or in a home like place, it’s a tinplate actually. You Rage …. On Me, after all i am nagging and insisting like your wife! it’s unbelievable …

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later You RageFor Me …. how is the government leaving those innocent children eating from the garbage … then I Rage …. I see those fancy cars and happy kids .. you know what, even the unhappy kids who cry and go to their parents cars after, I feel jealous of them. You blame me for growing up to be a thief or a killer, Fuck you, i wasn’t raised to decide. Bring all the theories and tell me about the free will of human begins. The un limited un revealed powers and un discovered capabilities of human beings to impact their own life’s and life’s of others.

I know some girls who sleep in groups at night, one stay awake all night long s0 if any one is to come near she shouts and they could survive a rape.

I know some boys who meet at the corner every night, they gather to burn a stick, its so easy to get it when it’s your job to sell it.

Yes, some manage to escape this hell, some live in paradise yet they go to the hell with their free will. But isn’t it much more expected to be good when you were raised normally. I don’t ask for perfect parents, I won’t mind a parents who might hit me from once in a while. I don’t ask for a castle, a small house with basic living tools is more than enough.

You see those people speaking about their life’s and dreams over there, I wasn’t raised in a way that allows for any beauty to be synced, my ultimate dream is survival. My brain ability can’t reach for more trust me. How can I aspire for a thing I was brought up to believe it’s a fancy!!.

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Heart of a Lion

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Once upon a time there was a little girl with an amazingly beautiful black eyes, every one in the town used to envy her for those pretty eyes, but she was too little to give it a thought. Her mom was married to a butcher, and it wasn’t only in the shop where he cuts the meat!. The little girl was always afraid that one day, he might cut her and her mum into pieces, waiting the school time every day so that she can get out of the butcher’s house!.

One day, a dark evil soul saw her while she was in her way to school, and that soul decided to disguise as a warm beautiful old woman and went to the girl and said,

Hello beautiful, would you like to play a game ?

Shyly replied, what game ?

Warmly answered, i will show you three cards, you pick one, then i shuffle them, you choose a card again, if it was the card you have chosen first, you win, and i make a wish of yours to come true ..

Any wish!!

Yes beautiful, any wish.

Umm, but, what if i lost!

Nothing darling i will go on my way and you go on yours.

I am in.

Hahaa!, Okay, only one last thing you need to know.

What is it, just show me the cards, i want to play.

Yes you will, but if you won, i will make a wish of yours to come true if you made a wish of mine to come true, too.

But i can’t make your wishes come true!

Don’t worry honey, i will ask for a thing you can afford to do, it’s just the game roles, what do you think?

I will play, i will play.

And yes she played, and yes she won, that’s the point of the game, isn’t it!.

Ohhh darling, you got it right, and now what do you want ??

The little girl was overwhelmed with joy that she couldn’t even think of a wish! but then she remembered her mother’s husband and how brutal he is treating her and her mum, she wished that she could have the courage to stop him, the courage to not run away and hide, and she said,

I want to have a heart of a lion……

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You will get what you wish for, only when you give me what i came for.

What do you want ???

Your eyes … Those eyes.

But how i will see!!

You won’t need an eyes when you have a lions heart, won’t you?

WHAT!, but !!

There is no but, the only way to have this heart, is by giving up those eyes.

Okay, take it and give me the lion’s heart.

And so she did, and then they went. few days after the little girl managed to put the brutal husband in the prison for abusing her and her mum, not only that, but also she dumped her mother and blamed her for being weak and shaky!, she is too strong to live with her now!, and then she dumped her school, it’s for kids not her anymore. She really didn’t need those eyes, all she needs, she seeks for, and she cared about nobody and nothing, it’s the lions heart walking. After a while and a serious of events ranges between losing and leaving loved ones and turning to a monster, the lion heart felt so powerful, yet so lonely!. Have i made a wrong decision!, she said, should i give it back, but that woman never told me where to find her!, I will search for her where i met her, but wait, i am blind i won’t see her, what should i do!

After a while she decided to go to her mum, she told her the whole story and begged for help, her mum said,

Don’t worry i will look for her with you just tell me where you met and how she looks, and i will find her. She told her everything. The mother went everyday without getting to anything, but then she realized that she stopped her girl for her eyes, she must have something remarkable to see her maybe!. And so she decided to wear a very big diamond she borrowed and made sure it’s noticeable. And yes, the old woman came saying hello beautiful young lady, would you mind helping an old woman find her way home, it’s you, in her head she said, yes would you mind if i invited you at my home first, it’s not far away!. And when they arrived, she was face to face with the lion heart, or should i say with the untamed beast!!

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Give me my eyes you evil, and take back this heart.

Now you don’t want it!, really, isn’t this what you always wanted, and now you’re whining, i didn’t force you to do anything.

You are not her to discuss what i wanted, you’re her to take back the curse you put on me, or i promise, you won’t get out from here, not before eating your flesh.

I am scared to death, can’t you see it?, i am a witch my life don’t even belongs to me, its owned by the dark souls, do you think threatening me will really work?

That’s what i thought, and that’s what i planned for, you gave me that lion heart, the heart that cannot be beaten, not as far as i remember, do you think i would make you come and go like that? are you an amateur witch?

The witch quivered and tried not to show it, and said, what are you going do to ?

 

To be continued ….

 

We can grow

Like a plant, we grow, they start by the seeds buried under the ground, and with the right amount of water and nutrition, it grows beautifully.

But what if the water and  nutrition wasn’t enough, will it grow?

The same with us, we needed those elements to grow and some of us wasn’t lucky enough to have it, so we’re growing behind scheduled, and it’s not physically what i mean.

If a plant didn’t grow, it’s mostly the farmers fault. With us, is it the people starring the farmers role?

I want to say yes, because it’s a very valid reason, but the farmer isn’t only parents, peers, society, environment and all the surroundings, the farmer is you too!.

I know you already know it and maybe you are just tired like me from all those motivational lines that you can do it, you are the hero of your own story, you are bla bla bla, although its very beautiful and very promising, some days, i just don’t buy it, not any more!.

But it’s the hope! the hope that makes us say we will survive while we lie in the crocodiles jaw, it’s hard! and some days are worse than ever, the hope that seems utterly impossible and distant even more far than the starts!.

I find it alluring yet confusing, i mean we can be messed up and totally destroyed because we have been neglected, bullied and labeled yet with our will and only our own will, we can grow beautifully relying on HOPE!

Yes we can grow, even if you pulled us down.

Yes we can grow, even if you spent your life trying to ruin ours.

Yes we can grow, even if reason and logic say we can’t do it.

Yes we can grow, and yes it might be hard, but yes, it’s worth it.

Because when we do it, it’s Prodigious.

The New Year

I deleted  a whole paragraph before this one!, it was very destructive and depressive, not a good start for the new year 🙂

Well, the truth is i am really feeling down right now, its so weird because waking up today, i decided to be happy.

They say, change starts from within and you have to be persistent and having a positive attitude, and in a different scenario, that’s what i say to others, it will pass, you are strong, you have to see the good out of hard times, just stay confident and you will be even stronger, we all have our battles, just fight.

But who decided those battles and why!, am i too young and naive to understand the meaning of life!

I don’t care!!, this is stupidity, why can’t i just be simple and care free, why i think about each and every detail, i keep searching for a savior and i finally came to a conviction that nobody will save me, i am my OWN Savior! but what if i am tiered and exhausted and i just can’t!

I can’t handle my stupidity, i can’t keep on planning and do nothing of my plans, i can’t harm myself neither save it, i can’t get rid of this feeling that i am a dying living creature all i do is breath and cry in dark rooms where nobody sees, and if they did they cannot help!

This is my new year start, dark isn’t it?

But take it from the expert, if you are reading this and you felt bad, don’t, because you are not me, you might have a chance, you might be living in a different circumstances, have different personality, i might be wishing to be you right now, maybe you a hell lot more stronger that what you think!.

And i am telling you, i have my days!, when i sparkle and shine and inspire, today isn’t just that day.

But i will be okay, i promise, just wish for me to be okay soon, i mean, before it’s too late 🙂

And happy new year!.